Connection
A Word
con·nec·tion
/kəˈnekSH(ə)n/
noun
a relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something else.
“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” ― Brené Brown
A Thought
Where or with whom do you truly feel seen, heard, and valued?
Who are the people in your life that provide a safe space where you derive sustenance and strength from being in it, and where you can give and receive without judgment?
Humans are social creatures. We need one another to survive and thrive. According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, besides food, water, and safety, love and belonging are the most important needs we must fulfill. So why are so many of us feeling disconnected from others and even from ourselves? According to Brene Brown, it requires vulnerability to achieve love and belonging. If it doesn’t feel safe to expose our inner thoughts and feelings, we won’t do it.
Most of us didn’t take a class on the art and science of human connection. Some of us grew up in emotionally disconnected home environments. We didn’t learn how to be with our own big emotions let alone the big emotions of others. Our emotions are a core part of what makes us human. Without language and skill to navigate these emotions and to connect with others, a person is left feeling confused, conflicted, and futile. This creates an internal conflict within. Warring factions, with one side wanting to draw close and connect, and another side wanting to protect and defend. A push and pull that can make one feel crazy in relationships and within oneself.
The good news is that we can learn the language and develop the skills at any age! In fact, the simple act of being able to name what you are feeling can have a dramatic impact on how you feel and the actions you take. This is a core competency of Emotional Intelligence (EQ) and it can help you to wisely move toward a state of connection with yourself and with others.
An Invitation
Practice this 3-step emotional intelligence exercise from Six Seconds whenever you feel disconnected from or conflicted with yourself or others.
Ask: what am I feeling? (use this tool)
Ask: what happened leading up to this emotion? (perhaps an event or a thought)
Ask: what choices do I have?
Ask: what do I really want?
Asking yourself these questions allows your nervous system the opportunity to calm down. You gain access to parts of your brain that are unavailable when you are in fight/flight/freeze.
“The most important things in life are the connections you make with others.” – Tom Ford